Yes, the big day is around the corner. It’s that wonderful time of year where we squeeze as much spending into as little time as possible.
I know. It’s not supposed to be about the gifts. It’s about time with loved ones, celebrating another year gone by, welcoming new life and hope for the future. It’s about giving to others—oops! There it is. Giving. Which means gifts.
For all of you who have managed to defy social norms, and are not conforming to the commercial version of Christmas, I applaud you (I’m also completely jealous). For those of you, like me, entrenched in unhealthy patterns of purchasing love (shoot! I meant to say: entrenched in cultural expectations of giving) it is time to cram all that commercial buying in.
Be forewarned, cram-shopping inevitably results in some “what the hell was she thinking?” purchases. But as a long-term Christmas Cram Shopper, I’ve advice to share. And so, without further nursing of the mulled wine, I give you this:
The Top 10 Worst Gifts Ever*
10. An Emoji Pillow. I don’t care what your kids say: no one needs an emoji pillow. I don’t even know if that is a chocolate chip or a bowel movement. Regardless, it is not needed in plush.
9. A purse made from an old pair of jeans. Yes. I’ve received one of these. But I say unto you: do not let the craft market craze blind you! If the jeans were not good enough for someone’s rear-end, they are not good enough to be made into a purse.
8. If your [former] sister-in-law goes on and on and on about not having Christmas decorations, take a moment to consider the reason she doesn’t have seasonal décor. Could it be she hates Christmas decorations? Yes. It might be hard to believe, but there are people like that. So no matter how cute Santa’s mittens on a clothesline seem, (I swear, they were super cute!) save your hard-earned money and know that you are suffering from craft market craze.
7. Any item with a person’s holiday inspired name on it. I know, it seems awesome. It has their name on it, right? But I guaren-flipping-tee you, a person whose given name is JOY already owns several dozen items (hand towels, candlesticks, ceramic vases, pillows) with their name on it. I’m sure the same is true for HOPE, GRACE and FAITH. So please. Move. On.
6. Anything living. Pets are lifetime commitments and it’s unfair to give one to a person who might not want to be responsible for an animal. The same goes for lice. It’s unfair and makes a very bad gift.
5. All toys that have become popular in the last four months simply because the manufacturer can afford a commercial during children’s prime-time television. Likely I’ve already bought it and its gathering dust after an epic two days of usage. You are welcome to our robot dog/pottery wheel that can’t turn under the weight of clay/hatching egg with animal inside.
4. Clothes that are a size too small because you couldn’t bring yourself to buy the larger size. If you are worried about buying a large or an xl or whatever, then just don’t buy clothing. Clothing is sexy when it fits. Even for moms.
3. A Costco/Sam's Club size jar of Nutella. I don’t know why my sister bought it, but no jar of food should last 10 years.
2. Yes, politicians sometimes have funny hair. And it might seem a funny gag gift to buy that wig / t-shirt / coffee mug with the funny hair on it. But let us be clear: misogyny is not a gag. It is a bad gift.
1. Clothing for dogs. Why? Because they are animals. Animals do not need clothing. They need things to gnaw on.
What does that leave you? Love. You should buy love. And kindness. And what does that look like? It looks like a gift card.
It looks like a book! (er…also wine. It also looks like wine).
Merry Christmas and happy shopping.
* opinions are my own.
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